Firstly and foremostly, tonight is the VMAs. You know how straight males feel about the Superbowl? That’s how I feel about awards programming. Most namely, the VMAs, the Grammys, the Teen Choice Awards, and the American Musical Awards. And I general don’t care who wins, I watch for the performances, and to see if The Hot Mess Express drops anyone new off at the show. Lilo, Kanye, and Brit-Brit have been the latest drop-offs, but there’s always more.

Anyhoos, so that’s why you’re getting this post a little early, because I will be indisposed for the next day or so.

Okay, we have a problem. Well. I have a problem. A sugar problem.

I believe I’ve pinpointed the source of my issues, at least somewhat. My Dad is diabetic, so I’m something of a sugar substitute connoisseur-sommelier-type individual. I’ve been privy to when every single sugar substitute sprinkled itself onto the scene, and I can tell you what’s good, what’s bitter, and what leaves a nasty aftertaste.

And then, in 2010, when I shipped off to Fat Camp, I unwittingly increased my artificial sweetener intake by leaps. Staff, on our times off, enjoyed a lot of Diet Mountain Dew (literally the worst diet drink in taste and for you known to mankind), and enjoyed our Dunkin Donuts Latte’s with two Splenda and skim. The ungodly amount of artificial sweetener I consumed in the period before I went super healthy and started eating more whole foods set me up, and my sweet tooth has raged out of control ever since. Every few days, I’ll get a taste locked into my head, and I cannot rest until I get my hands on it. Sometimes it’s fro-yo, sometimes it’s a piece of chocolate, and sometimes, it’s one of those giant cookies from Zoe’s Kitchen. And I need to cut these out. Not for my weight, not for my skin, but for how terrible I feel after I eat these things. I feel slow, sluggish, my brain feels like it’s sleeping, and overall, I think eating more stuff that comes from the ground, and not made in Willy Wonka’s factory, will improve my health overall.

Also, the ferocity of my sweet tooth is starting to scare me a little. I feel like a little of a crack addict. Amirite, amirite Lamar Odom? Too soon?

The Skinny on Fake Sugars

This challenge, which I’ll describe to you in a second, is in no way meant to bash fake sugars. I definitely think these things have their place. First, my dear Papa is diabetic. I thank God for the invention of some of these things so that he can enjoy a slice of cake on his birthday, or a sip of Diet Coke when he needs a little pep on a long drive. Second, I think these things are SO helpful when it comes to weight loss, as a stepping stone for folks who’ve had terrible eating habits. First, let’s eat stuff with the fake stuff, and while you’re doing that and consuming less calories and starting to get more active, maybe you start going to Whole Foods and trying the stuff there. And once you really get into good habits, it gets easier and easier to break up with fake sugars.

I know, I know, the artificial sweeteners have risks. So does sitting around all day and not working out. I think an active person having a little Splenda in their latté won’t kill them. Lay off.

Tha Challenge

I need to break up with this habit I’m developing, because it’s starting to scare me. I feel like a fiend when I open a York Peppermint Patty and sigh, “come to mama” before I devour the entire disk. And it’s weirding me out. I don’t feel like one should really be that way about anything but your significant other and Gavin DeGraw (hay boo). So for the next 7 days, I’m chilling on the sweets.

Let’s Better Define These Terms:

• No fruity alcoholic bevs. Which I’m typically a beer and plain liquor girl, but this means no Ciders for the week, while I figure out why I’m acting like a crackhead with sugar.
• None of those sweeties from the coffee shop. It’s too much wasted money, too many empty calories, and too much of what I’ve been craving.
• No diet sodas. They’re making it a lot worse. Crystal Lite too.
• More natural sugars. Fruits, veggies, and seltzers with a squeezy of lime are okay, and hopefully will teach me to smash the cravings with some of this stuff once I get back to real life.
• And finally, most tragically, no candy! Which should be a thing anyways because I think I freaked up one my my fillings eating candy a few weeks back and I can’t go to the dentist til like next week. NO CANDY CHERISSE. NONE. None from the checkout line either.

What I’m hoping to accomplish with this little sugar fast?

I’m hoping to reset my naughty little sweet tooth, and enjoy treats in a little bit more of moderation when I get past this little challenge. Anyone joining me this week?